I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
