I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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