why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
