Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize