I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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