If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
