This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
