found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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