Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
