new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
