He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
