So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
