his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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