im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize