dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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