6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
