i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
