i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
