He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
