This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
