can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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