everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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