is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
