she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
