I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
