It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
