I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
