You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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