I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
