do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
