i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
