I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
