Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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