I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
