Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
