i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
