so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
