My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
