Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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