im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
