Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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