My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
