Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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