You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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