My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
