I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
