I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
