So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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