so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
