Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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