The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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