I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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