Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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