I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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