cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize