I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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