Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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